The anguish of the unseen. Heart wrenching and cracked. Writhing to be free of the desire for love. Free of desire.
I cannot stand carrying the weight of it. The crushing force of longing. The gravity of need.
Heart spilling out. Wounds bared open. The pieces of me thrown about the room. Muscle aching from the violence of lamenting. The agony of a soul crying out in complaint. A Trusting heart weeping with the blood of dreams slipped through fingers.
And I am found. In the anguish, the obliterating explosion, suddenly my face is again there in the mirror. In the eyes looking back, I see it, the spark of me. The Life.
There is cost to the striving. The slow disappearance that makes your own features unrecognizable. The becoming invisible. It is cost. Immeasurable.
And when you notice. When suddenly in passing the mirror there is not vacancy but eyes familiar. When you look long and there is a trace of smoke – the smoldering ember of the self you buried deep. Then what?
When the wounds stop oozing and dry out. When the last strands have frayed. What then?
What guiding compass is there? What choice held out before you?
Him. Only Him.
Only. Trust. Only. Clinging.
To choose the very heart beating in my chest. That is the hardest part. The constant battle.
The words that repeat over and over… “you are valuable”, as if in some persuasive debate.
Words I’ve never believed. Words that slip over me like a silk sheet falling to the floor. Slipping from fingers to weak to grasp.
But He breaks in, crashing. A tornado inside my heart. Cleansing the darkness in me.
The strong command of a Loving Father. “You must know your Worth.”
And that, that moment is where the crawling begins. The scraping across the gravel, picking debris from my wounds.
“I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.” Isaiah 48:10 NLT