How can I have conquered so much fear, and yet find myself gazing at the depth, length, and width of a black abyss that is my inadequacy?
How is that possible? Especially when I know I am loved, when I know how far I’ve come, when I know…
Does it happen to you too?
Do you wake up in the middle of the night, as I just did, and negativity crowds into your mind? I lay awake for an hour and then decided to get up and write.
It’s so easy to get disappointed with yourself–the things you didn’t get done, the things you said to people before you thought, the leadership you don’t feel prepared for, not sleeping when you should be…the list seems endless.
And then I realized, I’m being slammed! I don’t have to take this. I can choose.
In fact this is probably because I did choose–to fast from negativity. Some do Lent–giving up something to commemorate what God gave up for us–this isn’t exactly that, but my church does a 40 day fast each year before Easter, and if you want to participate, you decide with God what you want to fast from. So I asked and got “negativity”.
I wasn’t surprised, but was doubtful…could I really do this? Negativity is inherent in the Melancholy personality that dominates mine. It took a few minutes to remember that God supplies ability to do what He asks, even if it seems impossible.
So now I’m seeing it, and I’m amazed at how much negativity is in me. It has been so much a part of me that often I’m unaware of it.
But as we say in psychotherapy, nothing changes until it becomes real. Facing yourself is the hardest work you will ever do.
With heightened awareness, I prepared by “fasting” from my husband’s presence because he went on a guys trip for four days. It was serene and wonderful practicing awareness of Spirit’s presence. I “fasted” from my plan to edit my audible book because my editing mentor wasn’t available at the last minute. Then I “fasted” from writing for two days because my computer crashed. Argh! I did NOT fast from being on the phone for hours with some nice man in India.
Even so, I was doing fine–releasing everything to God–trusting His goodness.
So what happened? the rain? We so need it. Low energy? I had all kinds of things to do and didn’t want to do any of them.
When someone calls or texts and says they are praying for me, I should pay attention. It’s happened twice recently. The last time, I thanked her, but I was doing great. Then yesterday. I was flat. Like someone had let all the air out. My back started to get tight–a sure signal to pay attention to gratitude and God’s presence.
But even getting a fabulous sign of God’s love, it still took until this morning to breathe for twenty minutes, release all my negativity, and rest. (Sitting in God’s presence and breathing purposely in seven and out seven still works the best for me.)
This is a blog on perspective. And the hugest perspective is the one we most often miss: We live in a war zone. It’s normal to be attacked.
The anti-victim sequence is choice-opposition-choice-rest. If you aren’t paying attention there can be a few more rounds of opposition and choice–the choice to trust and release is the one that brings peace.
If you need resources or reinforcements:
EFT tapping is having their annual summit this week at www.tappingworldsummit.com/2014event
and my blog on the life of Jesus is in its Easter segment at http://Godhelps.net/God-in-a-Box–Your-Inbox