Somewhere I learned that emotions are the strongest force in a person. When you’re “in a corner” or “under the “gun” feelings rule. You will go with what gets triggered in your feelings library every time. Stress does that.
Sad but true. I’m there. I don’t want to be there, but I am. Two hours ago I was looking forward to a lovely quiet evening with my husband, and now I’d rather write than be with him.
My husband doesn’t like pain of any kind. And for the past two weeks he has been in physical pain with a knee injury, unable to walk. So I’ve been trying to take care of him and do both of our chores too.
Most of us get cranky when we are stretched emotionally by physical pain. I do and he does to. Today he was doing very well, and we were both very happy with his progress, but I made the mistake of challenging his decision to cancel two of our grand kids coming for a week. And now I’m dealing with triggered stored emotion and blew our lovely quiet evening together.
Isn’t it weird how that happens! I don’t even remember what he said, but I am still in the feelings it brought up in me. Definitely hating the way I am, wondering how many other people hate it, and what am I going to do to change it? Or should I just sink back into a twisted acceptance, put it all on him as “his issues” wherever I can hang it?
Just now he called from the other room asking if I would make him a piece of toast. He is probably wondering why I’m not there with him. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t. Because I don’t think he was trying to be mean. He is obviously fine.
What do I do with this “gall” stuck in my throat? I ask myself.
And I decide to put it on the shelf till morning. So I distil the feeling into his point and make a mental note to ask God what to do about this “I-know-best” attitude. I know it’s there, I know where it came from. I’ve dealt with it before. This is just a variation on a familiar theme.
So I said to God when we met this morning, “What am I going to do about this? You know how I dislike it in others; and I hate it in myself!” Then my mind took off and went all through everyone else I needed to pray for. (I think that happens because we don’t really want to face… or are afraid He won’t say anything. But He is faithful if we are willing.)
And finally I focused and He said, “Can you say to your husband, ‘You know I hate it. Will you point it out to me when you hear it? You can say “there it is”.’ And I said, “Yes, I can do that.”
Then God went on, “Can you trust Me with it too? That I will help you see it when it comes up? Before you get there I will say ‘Be careful here.’ Like last night. You knew afterwards you could have said it differently. Richard noted a ‘harshness’ that sometimes you see later.”
So I said, “I will.” And I asked Him to bring up any lie underneath so we could heal it. And I already have a feeling it has to do with fear of something–from when my older brother used to laugh at things I said. More will be revealed. God is faithful.