I was thinking I would have nothing good to share about my current state of affairs. In fact, it seemed things were getting worse, until Wednesday morning.
It’s hard to admit, but I think this is one of those times that seems bad and hard, but God allows because it is so badly needed for my learning. Sort of like overeating two nights in a row, sleeping terribly, waking up groggy and finally making the connection! Now you have a choice!
Or even an unexpected divorce so you can look at your own craziness or pain.
I don’t think it will come to divorce because that morning I was exercising, and saw myself clearly–a kindness from God.
My husband told me he was going to the gym–an unexpected kindness that caught me by surprise because he usually doesn’t tell me when he’s leaving or where he’s going.
I said thank you. And suddenly wondered why I find it difficult to be kind. Something about the way I felt saying thank you while standing on my head? or wondering what I could have said? Maybe it came up because I was thinking about God’s kindness that morning while sitting with Him.
The night before we had watched a movie about a father searching for the bodies of his three sons killed in the Turkish-English war. He finally finds one of them alive, who painfully tells his father he’d had to shoot his two brothers because they were so badly wounded and in such pain (this was in 1915). Then, of course, it switches to the awful flashback so we get to experience it.
So next morning I connected the movie with God’s pain over death. The brother who ended the life of the other two had incredible pain in putting them out of their pain, yet it was the kindest thing he could do. He said “I love you” and shot them.
Here is the parallel: there was no pleasure at all, in fact intense pain, in causing death. And I saw, God takes no pleasure in our pain–none. God hates death and pain and suffering, but sometimes He (or They) say, “I love you” and allow it to happen. (I truly believe God doesn’t kill us and goes to great lengths–our whole history–to show that They are not the designers of death or destruction. That is not to say that the Presence of Pure Love energy wouldn’t make our flimsy unstable atoms disintegrate instantly.)
In the same way, Wednesday morning Ruach (Holy Spirit) showed me my own craziness which turned out to be the belief “kindness is weakness.” Huh? I didn’t even know I believed that! What a dumb belief! Probably a spin-off fear of being taken advantage of–have had huge issues there.
But I have been noticing “Their” kindness to me. Ruach’s love is so sweet, so tender, so kind, so pervasive, I am amazed by it daily.
“God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance.” (Romans 2:5) Repentance is truly seeing yourself and wanting to change–giving Him permission to do it.
I have no idea how Their kindness will happen in me, but after getting Their truth, I know it will happen, and I am excited to see it–my Christmas miracle. Ask for your own miracle! God loves to give you what you need.