Trending Easy – Part 2

Last time I wrote about how tricky it is to focus on a child–even in love. It is often stored in them as anxiety–the parent’s angst says to the child that he/she is not adequate.

So how do we build resilience in our children? Why must we let them suffer? Does that even make sense?

Yes! An over-solicitous parent is an anxious parent. A wise parent trusts the natural course of development and God. Struggle is how we grow. Is it easy for a child to learn to crawl or walk? No. But they are so motivated, and we are so motivated for them to learn, the struggle doesn’t seem bad. Is it bad if we keep a child from crawling? Yes. It eliminates a developmental task which affects how the parts of your brain process together.

It isn’t easy for them to learn to talk or run or read or anything we value for them. Do they misjudge? Constantly! Do they fall? Of course, and if we are overly concerned we create fear of trying.

We want to build resilience in them: the belief that they can do it, and falling is a normal part of learning to walk and run. We don’t want to push them before they feel ready, but neither do we want to replace their effort with fear or doubting their ability. Struggle is trying something new. It’s necessary to development all through life. And easier if you have a sense of I can do this.

That doesn’t change even though the tasks get harder to accomplish, and your questions and fears as a parent grow.  And that takes us to boundaries. They are so important for the child’s security. Feeling safe is critical to development. Safety comes from knowing you have parents who are in charge.

I role-played the child in a class once where a parent was leaning over me screaming to clean up. I knew I was in charge because the parent had lost control. It was a profound experience. And it didn’t feel safe.

For a child to know they are in control makes them feel crazy. It is way too much stress. I know a child who isn’t even 1 year old who runs her parents. You probably do too. It’s an epidemic wearing out our children and making them insecure and angry. It is too much power. Too much responsibility. A child needs to hear “No.”

A client told me this week that her friend who owns a daycare said people who work in daycare are being taught to tell parents not to say “No” to their children! I about flipped. There goes their children’s security. You don’t have to say it in anger or harshly or even loudly. But you need to say it AND make it stick. You have to follow through. That gives safety, security, and rest to your child. It makes a happy child. Of course they will throw fits, that is their job, to push you and see if you mean it. You are the parent. You are the adult. You are in charge–they need you to be, so they can relax.

This poor little girl who runs her system because the parents can’t say “No” comes to her babysitter exhausted every Monday morning, and seems relieved. And she turns one next month. Her mom just went on anxiety meds. Isn’t that sad? We are so afraid of ruining our children it has gotten crazy. The pendulum has swung WAY over to the other side. Children need boundaries!

I wish I could shout it from the rooftops! You are making your children crazy with all their power and decisions and lack of boundaries and consequences. Please give them some loving discipline. We have made a generation of entitled adults. Everyone wants their rights. What will it be like when these children are adults, insecure and demanding? When freedom is interpreted as no law?

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