Seeing Inside

Does anyone find living here hard besides me? I don’t mean hard in deprivation–I have a wonderful life. I mean hard in dealing with your own inner terrain–at seeing yourself and being disappointed again and again at your own performance? Am I just worse than the rest? Do I have too high of standards for myself? For others? Being around family always seems to bring it out!

I seem to want so much for people that they don’t want for themselves. And sometimes they aren’t even aware they are missing parts of themselves. This is hard. And what makes it harder is I don’t know how to do attraction vs. promotion. At least I don’t think so. I think I get it is live what you believe. But I want to tell people what they should do, and how they should feel. It doesn’t work. I’ve known that for years.

I have also known for years that I am wired backwards: I’m soft where I should be hard, and hard where I should be soft. I feel like Paul, “Oh wretched man that I am!”

I’m so glad God isn’t like me! I’m so glad there are Three of Them in one God (“Let Us make man in Our image.”), and They are all good and all love. And when They need to be hard They can be: like a good parent holding said boundary. Or allowing the experience of learning by suffering consequences. I’m so glad their love is so big and so real They can engulf and heal our brokenness. I’m so glad They are wisdom personified, and are willing to share it just for the asking, not requiring anything as payment.

Sorry if this is a downer. I’m just ranting from the inside this morning–I don’t like seeing my brokenness. But I must need it every now and again. If I didn’t, I would be even harder to be around and more judgmental–God help me! And They do–They love me so sweetly. I don’t know how, but They do–that’s the wonderful I want!


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