That’s what if felt like God said to me on Tuesday.

My husband came downstairs and told me I didn’t need to water.

I looked up from watering and saw he had a haircut, and my spirit dived. “Fortunately, you don’t get to have input,” I answered as sweetly as I could manage, and left and went to a meeting, fighting discouragement. In our history when he gets a haircut it’s a declaration of independence–I’ve cut it for 30 years. And I thought he’d been warming up. So much for that.

I came back two hours later,  and he turned off his show and came to me and asked why I was so angry. I was surprised–this isn’t normal for him. I assured him I wasn’t angry. He said yes I was–angry about his haircut.

I told him it was discouragement and why.

Then he said, “Ok let’s talk. You can ask any of the questions you want right now.”

I breathed a prayer. I was so caught by surprise I didn’t even know what to ask. But out of my mouth came, “Do you want to be married to me?”

A short delay and then, “Yes. Next?”

“Do you want to learn to be kind in a relationship? And I admit I need to learn it as much as you do.”


“Is there room in this relationship for my needs and wants?”


We talked about what happened for him when he was so angry after my surprise surgery. He said it was traumatic for him and I said I could relate. It was traumatic when I spent a week with him in the hospital two years ago, hearing the doctor say he might not make it, and waiting seven hours.

So he’s back. And I am grateful for restored relationship, that I didn’t force it, and that he led. And out of the blue in time for Christmas!

God is good because I learned to back off and not control him–even though that is my love language–taking care of people. I’m a verbal person but not when it comes to love and affirmation. So we both have to monitor tones and control, and just learn to be kind. And the best evidence of God’s goodness is that I had peace. And I really did. I also did see my part and have a three-month tutorial on backing off and monitoring my responses.

We will be learning as long as we are alive and open to it. And I think that is what it means to be called to suffer. To admit we don’t have all the answers, we also are wrong and need forgiveness. Thank God we can make good, even scary choices.


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