When your kids are far away or not in close relationship with you, Mother’s Day can be a hard day. Maybe even a day of regret and sadness. Today is one of those for me on all counts and I choose to be happy because I can. We can do that! We can choose happiness! It’s a gift God has given us–the choice to be happy and grateful when there seems to be no reason to be happy, or even evidence not to be happy!
This morning, this Mother’s Day choice is heightened for me because my husband got very angry when I tried to get him to look at his part in a confrontation we had previously had, and now he isn’t speaking to me.
This is going to be a silent day! But I am excited because it is a beautiful day and it means I have all the time to be alone with God soaking in His love–all Three of Them that fill that position of God! Wow! Three lovers who want to be with me! Three who love me wildly–even with my poor little crippled heart! I have everything I need to be joyful and have a great day! I even have the bonus of a gazebo and backyard in bloom!
But it is my choice.
In my time with God this morning, I suddenly realized how uncomfortable I am being loved! I never knew that before. It was shocking, but events have stacked up evidence lately to bring it home to the inside. So clearly I need this retreat today. I need this respite. I need the practice of letting myself be loved and leaning into it. I need to receive and get comfortable receiving, and being grateful.
Learning that, I couldn’t wait to get started. And ever since then things have changed. They fill me with awe at Their love.
So if you are in that position too, choose with me, and see what happens. Watch God fill your heart. I bet we will be amazed at the end of the day. Our perception is so changed by a choice. Try it.
I had been feeling sad that our relationship has “shifted and stretched,” sad that I didn’t get a Mothers’ Day card. But I was glad that the day, and the one before, was made special by many texts between my three kids and I because of my husband’s emergency surgery. (We were supposed to fly to North Carolina.) And then today I saw this–posted by my daughter on Mother’s Day–and I hadn’t even seen it. It is so beautiful it made me cry, and I had to share it.
I am because you are… Today has been hard for me. You were supposed to be here, and yes you’re right where you need to be right now and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But a little package of goat cheese brought tears to my eyes tonight as I noticed it there in the fridge. You are the one that reminds who I am so very often. The one whose love holds steady. Who has walked paths with me that made no sense but to Him, and you trusted me enough to go along. You trusted Him. …Our hearts can shift and stretch, and yet even when we can’t find that common ground anywhere else, we find it in Him. You remind me, when I forget, when these shoes of mine seem just way too big, that only I can fill them well. That surrender to His purpose and love makes them just right for just me. I have four little hearts of my own to guide now and yet sometimes I still feel as though I’m this tiny girl. Sometimes I can’t figure out how in the world I could be a grown up mama. Because really I’m still your little girl. You get me. You hear my heart and my constant thoughts and you get the wild depth of them. You have given me so many things. I am so much because of who you are. You are His. And you have lived in such a way, that even in your failures I have seen Him. Even in the struggles, I have watched you hold on to Him. You have let me suffer in the worst darkness and yet never shied away from my pain but pointed me back to Him. And in my wilderness, you have walked with me. You are not a perfect mother, but you are a Good one. You are because He is.
I miss you today. And most everyday. But somehow, in Him, we’re always close together.