Tag Archives: acceptance

What is God Really Like?

I had a dream a year ago that was pure feel good. I was in heaven, I think. Everything was very bright. Just the lighting itself was incredible! And the feelings! I felt like I could do or be anything–feeling truly me. The people were amazing. So shining and smiling. So unbelievably welcoming and gracious. I felt totally wanted there, totally accepted and loved. I met someone who was the leader. He didn’t look like Jesus, but He was. He was amazing. Everyone wanted to spend time with him. His presence felt so freeing, so satisfying. I never wanted to leave there. And then I woke up and wanted to go back. It is hard to put the feelings into words.

Writing Exodus has made me hungry to experience God. Moses had 40 days and nights in His presence! What would that be like? I attempted to write the feelings he had that morning. “Moses wakes up excited, today I am going up the mountain to meet with God!”  What thoughts he must have had!  He had felt the ground shake and heard the huge voice the day before. And he had to wait six days on the edge of the cloud with Joshua so he wouldn’t be consumed by the energy. What if he had thought this is taking way too long. I’ve got to get back to work.

Do you have a time when it’s just you and God? Have you experienced the good feelings that come in His presence? It can take time, but it’s so worth it. Is anything really more important?

I think it was a gift God wanted to give him. He had a hard job! Moses in the mountain with God didn’t eat or drink for 40 days because he didn’t need to. I’m sure he didn’t even think about it. From the bottom, the Israelites perspective, it looked like the mountain was on fire. Talk about lighting! His face shone so much they couldn’t look at him! It must have been hard to come back.

 

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Release and Trust Makes “Hard” Easier

If you want to experience how good God is, walk through something scary holding onto His hand! Would I be saying this if my story ended differently? I think so. My experience would depend on my response, so I hope so. My husband had emergency surgery Friday morning.

We couldn’t figure out why his foot kept getting cracks that wouldn’t heal. But I knew enough to know that it might have to do with the fact that he is diabetic, so when things that had helped turned to a reverse effect, causing pain, I asked if he thought he should go into the hospital. Thursday morning we asked God together to show him what to do, and an hour later he decided to take my sister’s advice to see a specialist. He’s a vet, so he called his VA doc, but had to get authorization, so decided to go to a podiatrist meanwhile. He got an appointment the same day, and discovered his situation was urgent and needed immediate attention: he had no blood flow to that foot! No wonder it was cold!

Between my 4 o’clock and 5 o’clock client he told me, “We have to make a decision tonight. I need surgery now.” We were flying to NC for a vacation the day after. He told me what the doctor said, and I said, “We’ll go after I finish with this client. Get ready.” So he canceled our tickets and rental car, and called the hospital ER in L.A.

The receptionist said they were slammed, and when I heard I groaned inwardly. I’d had four hours of sleep the night before because of his pain, and I knew we would be sitting in a waiting room all night. But I said to God, “You must have a way to get through this.”

Almost immediately my husband said, “Let’s go to the VA hospital in Loma Linda!” We had lived in Loma Linda and met there, and were both familiar with it, so the fact that it was a half hour further didn’t matter. We knew our way around, knew people there.

“Ah yes the Jerry Pettis Memorial! Can you go there?” He called and he could. We put some things in a bag and left.

Two hours later he was checked in, and a half hour later had a room seeing the ER doc, who called in a vascular surgeon. By 3:00 a.m. he was scheduled for surgery at 7:00 a.m. He was in a hospital bed and room by 4:00, the nurse had gotten me a recliner and told us, “You can get two hours sleep before they come for you,” and turned off the lights and shut the door. We were so grateful.

However, I lay in my recliner thinking, what if this is the last time we have? The surgeon had given us sobering info. She had finally found enough pulse to schedule surgery, but she couldn’t guarantee the results; his kidneys weren’t strong; finding the blood clot, that was obviously there, would take dye that could cause them to fail; and they might end up having to amputate. So the simple installing-stints surgery had suddenly gone from a 3 to a 10 on the fear scale.

I crawled onto his bed and said, “I have to sleep here. If you don’t come out of this (we had talked about that in the ER) I’d always regret that I didn’t.”

He got a roommate at 5:00, and there went our sleep. At 5:30 he called our kids to tell them he was going into surgery. A surgical nurse came at 6:00 to prep him.

He was in surgery from 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. without a word of how it was progressing. I had slept in the empty family room until 9:30, and woke up, expecting to hear something soon. I went back to his room–the chaplain came and prayed, and vascular support came in to tell me they would take him directly to ICU–they always did for vascular surgery–so it would be longer than expected. That helped. Texts from friends and my daughters helped, I went to the cafeteria and ate.

But by 1:00, God and I had a talk about what it would be like for him to live adjusting as an amputee, and I released him into God’s hands for whatever was best for him and us.

Shortly after that my friend Ev came, just when I was beginning to want her there. She had said I could stay at her house, and I had told her she didn’t need to come up, but she did as if on cue, and I was so glad she was with me when the doctor called. I was nervous after seven hours with no word.

The surgery had been a great success! They had found the big clot, cleaned out plaque, and put in stints. His leg was basically fillayed but he was doing well! Thank you Jesus! What relief! His kidneys hadn’t failed and he still had his foot.

Could I have said God is good if any other outcome had happened? God IS good. Hopefully I could have said it and believed it and felt it no matter what. Maybe we can learn that by release and trust rather than hard, very hard experiences. But even if He takes you that way–hang on to His hand. It makes hard times easier to know you are loved.

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