Tag Archives: asking and recieving

When Love Grows Cold

This week I’ve been asked to look at my love again. And it sequels well to last week’s blog. After being across country for three weeks, I came home to a husband who wasn’t sure he wanted our marriage anymore.

I know him after 26 years of marriage, so I wasn’t devastated, but a bit surprised at some of the things he said, like, “There’s nothing to work on.”

“After 26 years? are you crazy?” was my maybe-not-so-loving response. I knew he had fallen into his black hole where everything is dark and fed by CRH and ACTH (the hormones that physically make everything hopeless if we entertain negative thoughts). And he had obviously been entertaining them.

It’s been good, though, we needed some course correction. It’s not resolved yet, but I’m hopeful. I do take him for granted. Not really, because I think about it all the time. But I don’t do much about it. I love being taken care of. This has been one of the best, if not the best, time of my life. However, though it has allowed me to flourish, he is closing in–by choice.

He has always thought he was an extrovert, and has been in positions that required extroversion, but now has come to the truth that he was always forcing it, and wants to be who he truly is. I applaud that. I have an introverted side, but please don’t become a recluse. You can still have fulfilling relationships.

So now I have to look at me. He doesn’t think I will change. Will I? Can I? That does frighten me a little. Do I know how? What does he want? Who is he really? He says I haven’t tried to know. I say he doesn’t share, doesn’t talk. He says I don’t listen or remember. I’m sure it’s both and…

Risking vulnerable loving is scary. Fear of that is, no doubt, how we got together: as my friend used to say, “The rocks in my head fit the holes in his.” It’s one of my favorite definitions of chemistry. And chemistry is the attraction that makes us fall in love. We had tons of that. But we also had the hard road of a blended family, and probably wouldn’t have survived except for his stroke ten years later.

I was ready to leave when God told me to sit tight, I had things to learn. So I did. And a year later he wanted a divorce. He had often said that, but this time he got the papers. I said to God, “I wanted to leave and You said no, and now You’re going to let him leave?”

God said, “Go on vacation, this is going to take a while.” Which I knew meant Don’t worry, and have fun, I’ve got this.

So I did. I didn’t leave, but lots of invitations came to me. It was a good month.

A month later we found out he’d had a stroke. No, God didn’t cause it; He just let him have his way, by eating lots and lots of bacon every morning when I was in class, on our “working” vacation in Cape Cod two months before. And then probably lots of sugar while we weren’t talking for a month. His diabetes caused the stroke. But God is so good He had it happen in just the right place, just the right amount that it turned him and our marriage around.

(to be continued next week)

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Can You Receive?

(I’ve waited a year to post this–wrote it on Thanksgiving last year but for some reason didn’t post it. Too vulnerable? Now it’s the season again and I’m ready.)

Have you heard that uncried tears make you sick? I have. I don’t remember when or where, but here’s what just happened.  It’s Thanksgiving morning, I woke up  with my head hurting and as usual went out to sit with Jesus in my living room and asked Him if He would heal me.

He reminded me of another Thanksgiving when I woke up with the flu, pain everywhere, and He had told me to drink water and breathe. In an hour and fifteen minutes of deep breathing and four glasses of water, the pain that had been all over my body was gone. I got up and started cooking Thanksgiving dinner. It turned out to be one of the best Thanksgivings our family had ever had.

So I started breathing and drinking. But a significant difference was that no sooner had I asked Him to show me what my teeth clenching was about, than He let me see how excited He was to be with me. It began with seeing my grandsons when I fly in. And immediately I started to sob–heavy deep sobs from the gut, more movement than tears.

I was so surprised. Knowing He was that excited to be with me had brought that kind of emotion!

I knew I had a love deficit, it had surprised me when it came up with tears before, but I couldn’t imagine it was this huge. When I asked Him about it, tears came up again! Another round. And I said, “This is crazy, I know my mother was a very loving person.”

And He said “You couldn’t receive it. You wouldn’t believe it.”

And, of course, I cried more. A little grief mixed in, no doubt, she’s been gone four years.

But an interesting side note is that after that the coughing and nose-blowing stopped, and I felt good.

And for those of you who are wondering–yes, I had drank four glasses of water and breathed for an hour and fifteen minutes. So I am a believer that uncried tears make you sick.

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