Holidays are usually studded with family or good friends. And it brings focus to how real we are. What does it mean to be real?
Some people think it’s saying what you want with no filter. Some think it’s reacting–however you feel. Is that really being real? How do we measure reality when we are talking about authenticity or genuineness?
I was thinking about it yesterday, and dreamed about it last night. I was at a wedding, but it was different from all other weddings in that the decorating was all lighting. It seemed to be heaven and the emphasis was on the commitment to God and then to the other person.
After the ceremony, I was invited to join the community who were being mentored by someone who seemed to be God, and I was thrilled. The only requirement was that you had to want to become who you truly were meant to be. And that meant being willing to take the feedback of others, especially your mentor. I didn’t care. I had never wanted anything so much.
The feelings were intense and the most vivid part of the dream. I’m having trouble coming up with words to describe them. The atmosphere was the most positive I have ever experienced. Everyone looked supportive; their faces had good humor, joy, and kindness, and they spoke as if they wanted you to be there. The mentor was so gracious, that when he spoke to you, or even looked at you, you felt so accepted, so capable, so motivated. I felt the purest desire to achieve with no thought for whether I could do it or not. I was sure that here I could be or do anything.
I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep and be there again. I did have another good-feeling dream, but definitely not the same.
I’ve tried to think how to describe the feelings all day. Is that what it means to be real? To be truly you? To feel loved?
It was so pleasant, but that is too weak of a word. Joyful comes closest–though I’ve never thought of joyful as being motivated. This, however, included a motivation to become part of the joyful place–to belong there, to stay.
By afternoon I was feeling, again, the insecurity family has always made me feel. I say something that comes out wrong. Or what I do has the opposite effect that I intended. Or I try too hard and the choice I thought was best turns out clearly not true to myself. So easy to be disappointed; so many opportunities to feel bad!
So I run off and get alone for just a few minutes, with the One in the dream, because I know He is real. Interpreting the symbols in dreams is tricky, but the feelings are real, and I know His unconditional positive regard for me is real. A few minutes is all it takes, to say what I’m feeling and let go of my expectations with a few tears, and I am righted again, centered, and the day is better.
Maybe someone out there has this same seeming curse of sensitivity. I offer this to whoever needs it for whatever help it can bring. He is there, and He does care. AND the best really is yet to come!