Tag Archives: God is faithful

Breakthrough

“Surprise!”

That’s what if felt like God said to me on Tuesday.

My husband came downstairs and told me I didn’t need to water.

I looked up from watering and saw he had a haircut, and my spirit dived. “Fortunately, you don’t get to have input,” I answered as sweetly as I could manage, and left and went to a meeting, fighting discouragement. In our history when he gets a haircut it’s a declaration of independence–I’ve cut it for 30 years. And I thought he’d been warming up. So much for that.

I came back two hours later,  and he turned off his show and came to me and asked why I was so angry. I was surprised–this isn’t normal for him. I assured him I wasn’t angry. He said yes I was–angry about his haircut.

I told him it was discouragement and why.

Then he said, “Ok let’s talk. You can ask any of the questions you want right now.”

I breathed a prayer. I was so caught by surprise I didn’t even know what to ask. But out of my mouth came, “Do you want to be married to me?”

A short delay and then, “Yes. Next?”

“Do you want to learn to be kind in a relationship? And I admit I need to learn it as much as you do.”

“Yes.”

“Is there room in this relationship for my needs and wants?”

“Yes.”

We talked about what happened for him when he was so angry after my surprise surgery. He said it was traumatic for him and I said I could relate. It was traumatic when I spent a week with him in the hospital two years ago, hearing the doctor say he might not make it, and waiting seven hours.

So he’s back. And I am grateful for restored relationship, that I didn’t force it, and that he led. And out of the blue in time for Christmas!

God is good because I learned to back off and not control him–even though that is my love language–taking care of people. I’m a verbal person but not when it comes to love and affirmation. So we both have to monitor tones and control, and just learn to be kind. And the best evidence of God’s goodness is that I had peace. And I really did. I also did see my part and have a three-month tutorial on backing off and monitoring my responses.

We will be learning as long as we are alive and open to it. And I think that is what it means to be called to suffer. To admit we don’t have all the answers, we also are wrong and need forgiveness. Thank God we can make good, even scary choices.

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Confidence is a Good Thing

Thanks for your responses to last week. I’m late writing this week–had two prayer retreats at my house this weekend. They were awesome–and turned out to be one person each. I had a feeling that might happen and told God I was ok with canceling them, but He told me to go ahead. And I’m glad I did. I’m sure I received more than either of the attendees. The morning one was so beautiful it was surreal. The sun, the time, (I love early morning), the sky, the temperature, the breeze, everything was perfect.

I started doing the Lord’s prayer as a group prayer three retreats ago. I say a phrase and everyone says whatever comes to their mind. It’s really neat, and we have done it at every one since, usually spending fifteen or so minutes on it. Since it was just my friend and I, we spent as long as we wanted, and were amazed to see we had spent an hour on it! (The rest of the time we spend reading scriptures, listening to God individually and then sharing.)

When God shows up things happen. The first year I held it here, we had healings and a prophecy over our church. This time I learned something very valuable about myself: I’m so afraid to promote anything I do, that almost nobody finds out about it. I wait until the last minute, hoping key people will get excited about it and promote it. That has been very limiting, but I am not an effusive person, and I feel extremely uncomfortable “blowing my own horn”. My client that goes to Alanon says, “Attraction, not promotion,” and I love that. I want God to promote it.

So the staff at church knew I was offering retreats, but that was it. Finally a week before it, I talked to them about it and wrote something to put in the newsletter and bulletin. But even though I sent it to two people, it got overlooked and didn’t get in either one. I didn’t know this until the day of the event. I was discouraged, but I knew God had said, “Go ahead with it,” so I did, and it turned out great. My friend said afterwards, “I’ve been wanting to do this with you for years.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” I asked. She didn’t know. But it was confirmation for me. God had already said, “It’s ok for you to get excited about what you are doing and learning.” I knew I had a confidence fault that ran right through me.

I love learning and sharing it, but  not what I’ve created out of it, and especially presenting it… It’s not that I’m afraid of speaking, I’m afraid of looking like a fool. I had a brother that really reinforced feeling like a fool in me, even my husband is good at it, though he is also my best supporter and encourager. Ridicule withers.

But I’ve proved to myself again and again–God has my back–when I trust, He is faithful–everything works out. This past week I had one of those nights–something woke me and I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I  decided to just spend the time with God and not worry about the next day. It was a really good day. I felt good, had a good attitude, was happy and got a lot done. I did have to take a nap before I saw clients at 5:00, which never happens, but that was good too. It was a great day on two hours of sleep, and I was so grateful and excited. It felt like freedom from fear–“I can trust God for anything”. (If you’re wondering, the next day was good too.)

So back to Sunday morning, it was as if something inside shifted. I  saw my lack of confidence clearly as crippling. And I felt that it’s ok for me to feel good about something I have done. (I knew that–but it took healing to feel it.) I can’t wait to see what happens!

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