The tension that comes from unlearning old programming and relearning new patterns can be tricky. Today I was faced with just such a dilemma, who do I honor most? and how do I know which decision is best?
I had been honored. I had reached out to Rob for help with my books a year ago, and he honored me by giving me a ticket to their annual author summit. I was very grateful, but I knew it was partly pitching their promotion program which was way out of my ballpark financially. So when the offer came, I was tempted, but tried to graciously decline by saying they should give the space to someone who could afford their package, because I knew that was the purpose.
Rebecca more graciously said, “No, no, that’s fine. There is a lot you will get from being here; come, we have room.”
Well, I didn’t want to be ungrateful; I really wanted to honor their kindness, but my husband didn’t want me to go. I told him I felt gratitude was in order, and he didn’t agree, but didn’t oppose me. The next day we had a fight, and when I tried to make up, he wasn’t ready. That made it much easier to go to the summit on Friday. And I really enjoyed the first day.
However, Rob shared that the second day a friend of his was coming who was in the movie industry to share the process of getting your book made into a movie. I had planned to skip the second day–figuring they would leave the financial possibilities for the second day and I didn’t really care about that, but now I really wanted to come. That is my dream–to have my book series made into movies, but I told him thank you and that I wouldn’t be coming tomorrow. I felt ungrateful and unworthy.
The second day of the summit was my sacred space, or Sabbath, which I really guard from intrusion, and typically don’t do ordinary (or marketing) kinds of things. Also, I co-lead a class on my books and my co-leader had asked me to trade weeks with her because she had to help her brother.
I agreed, thinking it was God’s nudge to honor my commitment to Him and His space. But then I begin to wonder. And of course my feelings were pulling me back to the summit.
This morning I talked to God about it, curled up in His lap. He took me back to Jesus’ Sabbath observance, which was pretty standard except for healing. Can you believe they believed that was breaking the Sabbath! All of a sudden I saw that I could go, and without fear, throw myself into participating and do what He and I had been talking about the day before: putting my light on the stand. (Mark 4) I’d been holding back sharing because of the nature of my series–rewriting the Bible. We had talked about that too! (And had done some healing.)
Suddenly I felt a-tingle with excitement. I could go or stay, either way, and be serenely happy knowing He was leading. Two things had to happen; both were possible, though not probable. I thought of a replacement, but she was sick. My husband could have gone with me, but didn’t want to!
But the best part was, I was happy, and everyone saw it! I even had a new dress which I got many compliments on, but it was, in reality, probably my attitude. The book study was great and I was glad I got to teach the chapter on Cain and Abel.
You can’t go wrong with surrender because God is so good and loves you so sweetly and crazily. And even though I felt like I was dishonoring their kindness and generosity to me, it’s better to honor God first, and he will take care of the rest. (Hacksaw Ridge-need I say more?)