(Started writing this over a week ago.)
Yes, I’ve been stalling giving you an update by posting about my writing. But I do have thoughts and feelings, just don’t know if I can make a coherent flow. Everything seems to be intensifying. I just learned last night that my grand daughter is being dedicated and I won’t be there. And I was supposed to buy her dress for the occasion. Of course I felt you aren’t that important. I couldn’t even respond to it.
My husband is unflinching in his intention to get divorced, and yet when I suggested we separate finances, yesterday, to keep things civil, he acted like it was an affront to him and said he might as well get divorced. “I said isn’t that where we are headed? You are the one who wants it. I’ve tried to talk about it.”
I told him I couldn’t believe how he could be so into me before I left (he had done a lot of little things to please me while I was gone) and when we came home he wants a divorce because of something someone said to him. Someone he doesn’t even know all that well. How does one switch off 34 years that easily? I don’t get it. He didn’t even respond. I’m feeling insecure.
Everywhere I turn my focus from God, I’m feeling not that important. I am so thankful that God’s love is constant, that They are unchanging, that Their goodness can be counted on. I read John 1 this morning. I only got half way through it because it was so filling, so rich. I am so blessed! And yesterday was a beautiful day to work outside and just be in Ruach’s presence! If you don’t have that relationship, ask for it. You may need it down the road!
So here it is a week later, today is my husband’s birthday. Nothing has really changed. But normally this would be driving me crazy, and it’s not! I know God loves me, and I believe Richard loves me, he just doesn’t know it now. Maybe he does. He has looked liked he wanted to say something a couple of times but hasn’t. Anyway, I have a plan to celebrate his birthday in a low-key, Richard way. But if he doesn’t want it, I will roll with it and not allow hurt to take me to a negative place.
I did talk to my daughter to find out if she thought I was rude and ungrateful and she confirmed that she did not. I had said thank you to her many times. Whew! That helped. She knows I’m not good at fluff. She had also helped me see I was not good at letting my husband lead.
I was surprised to read in my journal for this time last year that I prayed to let him lead. I thought that was new. Nope, I just lost it. Here we go, another lap around this track. Make me teachable, Lord.
He did let me take him out for breakfast to a place he likes, but after that just wanted to relax at home. It certainly took pressure off of me. I went shopping for a couple hours–a rarity. And then made some healthy treats he would like. It was a good day. But that night he had a headache in the back of his head and didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 2:30, and suddenly felt terrified about a stroke– losing him and our marriage. Fear in the middle of the night will do that.
I got up and asked God if it was from Him, and He said They don’t give fear, but They are not opposed to using the enemies moves when it helps. I went back to bed and snuggled up to him. He was asleep and I fell asleep. It must have surprised him when he woke, but he didn’t say anything.
I woke up more normal, but I haven’t gotten a clear go-ahead yet to say “I started this nonsense can I stop it?” I know the time has to be right for him.
He thinks his neck is a spasm in the muscle, but he has declined help with it. And yes, I have offered. I’ve learned that’s my love language. I’ll let you know what happens.