Tag Archives: healing false beliefs

The Importance of Healing Lies

New Years Day was great for us. The best New Years we’ve had in years–even though our plans didn’t work out as we wanted. We went to walk through the floats after the Rose Parade, but the lines were daunting, so we went to lunch and went home. It was still really fun.

We talked the 45 minutes home and I got vulnerable and shared about getting my lie that he wasn’t capable of a relationship healed, and how God had showed me it went way back to my ex and my Dad. I also said I knew if he didn’t get his lie that I was incapable of loving healed, it would make it hard for us, because it would skew his perception of me.

But I didn’t think it would happen the next day! It was the first time we shared time together with God in a month. We had to cut it short because I had an early meeting, but it was still good. Then just before we left he told me to eat breakfast. I had already had some “healthy fudge” but it was a mistake to say so. He told me what to eat, and I good-naturedly said “Don’t be my father,” as I have countless times, but he blew up!

The whole 15 minutes to church I heard his perception of what had happened (different in my memory, and all about “my rebellion”) and how he didn’t know if he wanted to be married to me. I was shocked and reminded him that I had said his perception would be skewed by his belief that I wasn’t capable of loving. And finally, I said if he wanted a divorce I wasn’t going to stop him.

Two hours later I could see God had set me up to look at my own “rightness” (which I felt very sure about) when I heard it coming out of my own mouth in the Bible study. “Judas had a hard heart whereas Mary had a soft one.” Immediately, I knew that I had a self-righteous hard heart toward my husband!

We sat in church together and the better it was the more I was convicted. We chatted with friends afterwards, but on the way home there was not a word between us. I knew I needed to apologize for my self-righteousness, but I couldn’t. Didn’t want to, and didn’t know how to start. I was angry God was picking on me, when he hadn’t apologized! We pulled into our driveway, and I heard God say, “Tell him before you get out of the car.” My husband turned off the car and I said, “For what it’s worth, I saw my hard heart, and I apologize for my self-righteousness.”

“Ok” is all I remember.

I was relieved but still angry at God for not calling him on his stuff. We spent the afternoon and evening separated, me getting my perspective stretched. I waited till I saw the light had been off for a half hour before going to bed. I was tired and thought I’d go right to sleep, especially after giving God my resentment and anger. But I noticed he wasn’t sleeping. Then I heard, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I don’t know, why aren’t you?”

“Probably the tension between us,” he answers.

“I’m awake, talk to me.” I offer.

“I don’t know what to say.”

I say, “Why do you make something easy so hard?” (thinking you could start with I’m sorry! No answer. I was hungry so got up to eat something.

I decided to work on my kitchen project and then decided to spend time with God since I probably wouldn’t wake early, and went to bed about 3:00.

I woke up with him snuggled around me, and said “What does this mean? Did you get your lie healed?”

“I don’t know, what was it?”

I repeated it and asked if he had asked God to tell him the truth. He hadn’t, so he asked, and we made love. I was amazed at the difference in me.

All that day we were completely in synch. We finished the kitchen, took a nap, enjoyed the rain, put a fire in the fireplace for our date, and watched our favorite series start it’s last season.

We have both felt totally different since. He did get his lie healed, but the main difference is in me! My heart is soft towards him. Once again, we went through this mainly for me! (Maybe I’ll write about that next week.)

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Kindness Brings Change

I was thinking I would have nothing good to share about my current state of affairs. In fact, it seemed things were getting worse, until Wednesday morning.

It’s hard to admit, but I think this is one of those times that seems  bad and hard, but God allows because it is so badly needed for my learning. Sort of like overeating two nights in a row, sleeping terribly, waking up groggy and finally making the connection! Now you have a choice!

Or even an unexpected divorce so you can look at your own craziness or pain.
I don’t think it will come to divorce because that morning I was exercising, and saw myself clearly–a kindness from God.

My husband told me he was going to the gym–an unexpected kindness that caught me by surprise because he usually doesn’t tell me when he’s leaving or where he’s going.

I said thank you. And suddenly wondered why I find it difficult to be kind. Something about the way I felt saying thank you while standing on my head? or wondering what I could have said? Maybe it came up because I was thinking about God’s kindness that morning while sitting with Him.

The night before we had watched a movie about a father searching for the bodies of his three sons killed in the Turkish-English war. He finally finds one of them alive, who painfully tells his father he’d had to shoot his two brothers because they were so badly wounded and in such pain (this was in 1915). Then, of course, it switches to the awful flashback so we get to experience it.

So next morning I connected the movie with God’s pain over death. The brother who ended the life of the other two had incredible pain in putting them out of their pain, yet it was the kindest thing he could do. He said “I love you” and shot them.

Here is the parallel: there was no pleasure at all, in fact intense pain, in causing death. And I saw, God takes no pleasure in our pain–none. God hates death and pain and suffering, but sometimes He (or They) say, “I love you” and allow it to happen. (I truly believe God doesn’t kill us and goes to great lengths–our whole history–to show that They are not the designers of death or destruction. That is not to say that the Presence of Pure Love energy wouldn’t make our flimsy unstable atoms disintegrate instantly.)

In the same way, Wednesday morning Ruach (Holy Spirit) showed me my own craziness which turned out to be the belief “kindness is weakness.” Huh? I didn’t even know I believed that! What a dumb belief! Probably a spin-off fear of being taken advantage of–have had huge issues there.

But I have been noticing “Their” kindness to me. Ruach’s love is so sweet, so tender, so kind, so pervasive, I am amazed by it daily.

“God’s kindness is meant to lead us to repentance.” (Romans 2:5) Repentance is truly seeing yourself and wanting to change–giving Him permission to do it.

I have no idea how Their kindness will happen in me, but after getting Their truth, I know it will happen, and I am excited to see it–my Christmas miracle. Ask for your own miracle! God loves to give you what you need.

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