It’s so crazy how far you can grow and still fall back into the same old stupid patterns with their same old stupid powerful feelings in a minute.
Actually the slide doesn’t start in a minute, but once it has begun a minute is all that’s required for another thought to take you from 0-60. Maybe even a second. It’s unnerving.
And worse is the incredible surprise that this can still happen after all the work and repair and growth–after all the good things that have happened! And then comes the shame and doubt. I will never get it. I will never be a good person, good wife, good mother…
The truth is you will always be a human; some triggers will get healed if you ask for help or have an understanding partner, and some will not because you won’t be able to get to their source, and some might be hormonal. But the point is don’t get discouraged; we are all in the same boat and we all need forgiveness. We had an episode like that this week, and the anger is what startled me. I would give it to God, let it go, and another thought would come and in a second I would be all caught up in it again.
I was so gratified to talk to my friend who I thought was way past that and discover they had had the same thing this week!
The more awareness you have the more control you will get–that’s how it starts to get better. But you may not eradicate reactions completely. You will always have to say I’m sorry, if you let loose and express your feelings. Thank God I didn’t get that far. There was plenty I wanted to say, but I’m glad, now that I’m through it, that I didn’t. I only had to say sorry to God. And I know He (They) are always so happy to hear it and take me back to sanity. They never get tired of helping us even though we get tired of asking for help. It’s so embarrassing, but God is never shaming.
Ruach (Holy Spirit) kept giving me little thoughts to grab on to when I was so angry, and then I would calm down; and then another negative would come and off I’d go. Finally I remembered to choose, but I almost wanted to be angry. But was it worth it? Yes! Well no, I know what anger does to your body. No, it is not worth it. And then I started telling myself. Just choose. All you have to do is choose. Even when you know what to do and have told people 1000 times, it’s hard.
What always gets me out is writing. I got my devotional and my journal and spent some time alone with God. That smoothed it all out. I fought it for at least 12 hours, but why? Just because I’d been wronged! So what.
God said, “Have you given me control of you life? Do you think I can handle it?” Sometimes I actually say no, because I know They don’t control other people’s choices. But can They work around that? Yes, they are very creative. Peace is worth it. Trust is worth it. He is worth it! But we have to listen and choose.