Tag Archives: the effect of negativity

Working Your Way Out of Anger, Fear, Hate, Blame…

It’s so crazy how far you can grow and still fall back into the same old stupid patterns with their same old stupid powerful feelings in a minute.

Actually the slide doesn’t start in a minute, but once it has begun a minute is all that’s required for another thought to take you from 0-60. Maybe even a second. It’s unnerving.

And worse is the incredible surprise that this can still happen after all the work and repair and growth–after all the good things that have happened! And then comes the shame and doubt. I will never get it. I will never be a good person, good wife, good mother… 

The truth is you will always be a human; some triggers will get healed if you ask for help or have an understanding partner, and some will not because you won’t be able to get to their source, and some might be hormonal. But the point is don’t get discouraged; we are all in the same boat and we all need forgiveness. We had an episode like that this week, and the anger is what startled me. I would give it to God, let it go, and another thought would come and in a second I would be all caught up in it again.

I was so gratified to talk to my friend who I thought was way past that and discover they had had the same thing this week!

The more awareness you have the more control you will get–that’s how it starts to get better. But you may not eradicate reactions completely. You will always have to say I’m sorry, if you let loose and express your feelings. Thank God I didn’t get that far. There was plenty I wanted to say, but I’m glad, now that I’m through it, that I didn’t. I only had to say sorry to God. And I know He (They) are always so happy to hear it and take me back to sanity. They never get tired of helping us even though we get tired of asking for help. It’s so embarrassing, but God is never shaming.

Ruach (Holy Spirit) kept giving me little thoughts to grab on to when I was so angry, and then I would calm down; and then another negative would come and off I’d go. Finally I remembered to choose, but I almost wanted to be angry. But was it worth it? Yes! Well no, I know what anger does to your body. No, it is not worth it. And then I started telling myself. Just choose. All you have to do is choose. Even when you know what to do and have told people 1000 times, it’s hard.

What always gets me out is writing. I got my devotional and my journal and spent some time alone with God. That smoothed it all out. I fought it for at least 12 hours, but why? Just because I’d been wronged! So what.

God said, “Have you given me control of you life? Do you think I can handle it?” Sometimes I actually say no, because I know They don’t control other people’s choices. But can They work around that? Yes, they are very creative. Peace is worth it. Trust is worth it. He is worth it! But we have to listen and choose.

 

 

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Awareness

Yesterday was beautiful. I woke up happy, and had energy and motivation. I thanked God and thought our new supplement is working. But somewhere mid-morning my husband and I disagreed amiably about something and it hit him in a vulnerable place. I didn’t even know it until hours later. I was so surprised that he would go to a dark place over it! I tried unsuccessfully to help, and I determined not to get pulled into it.

And I didn’t for most of the day. Then late afternoon I came in from outside and realized something in me had shifted from the positive. I hadn’t even realized it had happened! But I noticed I didn’t speak to him, and I heard thoughts I had allowed to come in, just little tiny negative things that I didn’t even recognize as negative. They seemed a normal part of my thought life–truths I live with. But without my awareness they had become a bridge to the low of negativity.

Thank God I recognized the energy shift, and chose to go back to the positive. I spoke to him and discovered he was caught in darkness, so I unhooked. I didn’t blame myself, or worry, but recognized that he had been assaulted by one of our enemies, and I couldn’t get drawn in. The next day my group would be praying for a special healing for someone and I couldn’t risk going dark myself. So I prayed for him and let it go.

Thank God for His perspective, and the ability to see the difference. “My feet had almost slipped…” said David. I had almost gotten taken out by that short slippery slope into the pit of negativity. But we can choose. Sometimes we may have to choose again and again to stop the cascade of hormones that negative thoughts start. But if you catch them early one choice will turn you around again.

The next day I had to choose and choose again because the person we were praying for couldn’t make it. I had been praying she wouldn’t sabotage it, but an electrical pole fell across the road and closed it. Since she lives out of town she had to take a route that was over an hour longer, and missed the meeting. (She took pictures so we would believe her!)

I was fine in the meeting, but afterwards was so disappointed and deflated that it took me 30 minutes to get to choosing. And then between my husband who was still “out there” and that disappointment I struggled to get back to a positive peace.

I’m there again, thank God. But it really is true that choice is the most powerful thing in the universe–even more powerful than God. Think about it, He is respectful, leaving us free to choose.

Many times I’ve told Him, “I think You gave us too much freedom.” He just smiles that understanding smile. Our choice accesses His power, but he won’t violate our freedom.

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