Tag Archives: understanding your partner

So you love a Narcissist?

Do you love a Narcissist? They are easy to fall in love with; difficult to stay with; difficult to live with; difficult to love. That’s because they don’t focus on people as people but rather as objects. the world revolves around them, but it isn’t because they are horrible people. It’s because they learned very early that people aren’t safe, life isn’t safe. You can’t trust anything or anyone. So they build walls around them to protect them from hurt. They are usually too young to realize it won’t work. Personality disorders come from trauma, but mostly before the age of four. I’m talking about clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is similar but much more pronounced and resistant than learned narcissistic traits. We all tend to be more or less narcissistic in our brokenness, but if you are living with clinical NPD, you have a hard road, and you will need to be very strong and solid in your own identity. Narcissists need love too, so if you love him (her–they are predominantly male) and can do it, stay; but you will have to be very good at taking care of yourself, and not expecting much. Don’t count on them changing. It takes divine intervention–literally. They become very good at charm–focusing in on what you like and want so they can deliver it and get what they need and want. They survived by reading people and are usually very good at it. They can turn it on when needed, but be completely self-absorbed when they don’t. They aren’t good at considering your needs. Most of the time they are completely oblivious, (You have needs?) because everything is about them. They typically don’t apologize, don’t say I’m sorry, and are never wrong. They are experts at turning things around and putting them back on you, consequently are very frustrating to try to get to see their own stuff, or take  any responsibility. Their fear keeps them from it. If they admit wrong or failure, you might leave them. And abandonment is the biggest fear of all. They live in a silo, very lonely and self-protected, but most of the time they don’t know it. Sometimes knowing this, as a partner, helps enough to rearrange your expectations, and not take hurts personally. And then you can keep on loving your narcissist. It’s a God-like love, and most of us are too selfish or insecure. But if you have a garden-variety narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissistic mother or father, they can change; but you have to have very strong boundaries, and be, in effect, the hard but benevolent nurse, who smiles and says, “Oh yes, you will take this medicine,” and not care about their pout or their whining or lashing out. You step aside and let it pass, knowing it’s not about you. If you hold their feet to the fire long enough it will produce change. But it is hard work. If it’s the work God has given you, do it well, and you will be rewarded. He will also give you the strength and the love if you ask? So how do you know which one you have? The NPD will have what we call psychotic lapses where they flip out and become irrationally angry, even though sober. At those times you need to remove yourself and the children until they can calm down to normal. Not holding it against them is the hardest part. But don’t ever allow physical abuse. Remember: strong boundaries. Learn to know the change in their eyes and get out of Dodge.

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Sometimes Perception requires Healing Your Heart

I love to experiment! Especially with food. However my husband doesn’t love it when I do. He’s not adventurous when it comes to eating, but I keep plugging away…

I learned that he has 2 settings: like and don’t like, basically yes and no. Forget asking what he doesn’t like about something–he doesn’t know! I have at least ten settings, texture, taste: too sweet, salty, tangy, bland…I’ll spare you the list, it goes on for awhile.

I made pumpkin pancakes (made up the recipe) and they were wonderful. He liked the pancakes, but I made a major mistake. I experimented with a topping and served it to him before I had perfected it.

So I’m excited like I’ve just discovered the 8th wonder, and he is definitely ho-hum. No, he is opposed. Telling me I can’t cook. And yes, the texture was poor, it was not quite sweet enough, and the flavor needed a little rounding out (he hadn’t been able to find fresh nutmeg at the store).

Now in the past this would have hurt my feelings. Might have been worth three days of hard feelings or silence. But this time, after asking what he didn’t like, and realizing the 2-setting equipment, I just verbalized it and said, “Well I won’t be able to get you to try this for another year–until you’ve forgotten this. And then when you like it, I’ll say na-na-na-na-na,” waving my fingers up by my ears.

We laughed at my childishness, and then I said, “Wow, that was so much better than it would have been a few years ago! I would have had hurt feelings, and thought you were mean. Now, I just understand that you have two settings–like and don’t like.”

He actually liked the description and used it later to explain something.

So I’ve gotten stronger. My heart meridian tested strong a while back. I guess it really is! And guess what else I’ve learned. Yours is too! You may not think it is, due to a false belief you bought into. (I call them lies.)  Maybe you even have a major mind-altering perception–significant others (like parents and spouses) have tremendous influence. But you can get them healed! Your heart is the strongest organ in your body, putting out the strongest energy. Love and healing are within your reach…

Now that is the eighth wonder of the world! That’s exciting!

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