Tag Archives: step-parenting

Love is NOT Getting Everything You Want

So here is the rest of my story. Alone, and adjusting to a divorce, I knew a small group was what I needed. Somewhere to feel safe and loved. So I called a friend and we started one.

One night we met at my friend’s house, and afterwards he took me aside and said, “You are turning your daughter into a monster. She is obnoxious and it isn’t her fault. You give her all your power, and very soon no one will want to be around her.”

Ouch! But I knew Herb to be caring and honest, to say what he thought without glossing it. Of course I said, “You don’t understand…”

But he replied, “She needs to know that you are in control.” I actually don’t remember what else he said or how long it took me to change my behavior, but I know his words had a profound effect.

I remember telling her (I think she was five) that from now on things were going to be different. That I had made a mistake, and I was sorry and was going to correct it, that I would be making our decisions and she would be expected to obey, so she could relax and enjoy being a kid.  And from then on I really struggled to make all of our decisions.

What scares me now is that in doing that I think I changed our relationship. I must not have known how to stay affectionate, available, and loving while setting and holding firm boundaries. How sad.

I think that because a couple of weeks ago, before leaving her house, I asked her (now 38) what feelings she has of her childhood. She said almost none–a scary thing. But she did remember me feeling distant. So I shared what I have just shared here, and she said “Maybe that’s when it started.”

I know when I became a stepmom five years later that I tried very hard to be the same with all three of them, so they wouldn’t be jealous of her. Of course they were anyway, so all I did was rob her. Too bad I couldn’t have just shown more affection to all of them. I didn’t know how then. I came from a non-demonstrative family, and my processing and decision-making took me to self-protection instead. But I thought I was protecting her and them! Sad!

I’d been noticing a distancing in our relationship, and had learned over the past two years that I hadn’t taught her how to be sweet and affectionate. I guess I just always thought she knew what I felt. I only just realized this. I backed off of everyone.

But what I saw at her house was a three-year-old painfully favored and in need of boundaries from a dad doing the same as I had as an early parent, unfortunately getting the same results. However, he was doing the opposite of my behavior as a step-mom, and I thought well, I’ll get to see how this works.  I confided in my daughter and they are addressing it.

I am so glad our relationship is a sharing one. At the same time it was very scary to ask the questions I needed and wanted to ask about our relationship. And it was hard to hear, but nothing changes until it becomes real. And the reality of seeing yourself, especially in parenting, often comes too late to spare the damage to your child.

I hope you have a friend, mom, spouse, you can ask, who will confirm your need to change, if you are on this same trajectory and can’t see it. And God will give you the strength and wisdom to see yourself. Your child deserves it.

It is way too hard on a child to have all the power in a system. Your limits or boundaries provide them with security. They can relax and develop the way they are meant to, and with respect. By seven we need to realize that we are no longer the center of the universe. Some people never do. We call them narcissists. It’s so sad for them.

I actually witnessed a mother asking her three year old if she could visit us, and confirming it twice that he was ok with it. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut–not the place or time to correct. I felt sorry for that three-yr-old too! It is way too much responsibility to be responsible for your parents! It makes children crazy.

And we are seeing more and more of it. Poor parenting tends to duplicate itself becoming either harder or softer. The ditches on either side of the road are very full. The road is love that is both hard and soft–firmness with gentleness.

Firmness and gentleness provide a great balance. It allows all the affection they need and requires the respect they also need to develop. You are the parent, you make the rules, and you follow through. You don’t have to be harsh, that is not required or desired, you only have to make sure that your word is law. No anger is required either. You shouldn’t allow yourself to discipline in anger. They are learning, they will make mistakes, even defy you. But you matter-of-factly hold the boundaries, letting the consequences follow naturally and appropriately for learning not hurting. The best consequences are losing something they want and making the connection of cause and effect. Delight follows obedience.

Obedience should be established by two years old. It is important to their growth and development. And it hopefully comes from a desire to please you so that it is forever linked with delight. God defines obedience as delight. And only asks it of us to protect our happiness. A broken world offers many confusing choices to inexperienced people. And being in a war between good and evil where deception is rampant makes it even harder.

Till next time…

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Perspective: Unforgiveness Blocks Love

Tomorrow is my step-son’s birthday.  He’s 42 now and he was 12 when I met him. Thirty wasted years.

Early in the relationship with his dad we got engaged, and then maybe 6 months later we broke up, and I didn’t even think about staying in touch with his kids (13 and 5).  Dating with kids was a fairly new thing for me. I had a daughter, but I had only dated guys with no kids or older kids. I thought they were a package. All or nothing.

Richard and I got back together and eventually married, but his son never got over it. It took us awhile to figure out why he had gone from being my greatest fan to being extremely angry with me. Nik felt like I had abandoned him. I tried to explain, I took the responsibility, I apologized again and again. Nothing mattered.

My sweet, happy “son” who used to bring me flowers, and play card games with me until midnight, who loved to walk with me and talk, suddenly was done with me. I was sure that over time he would come around, but it only seemed to get worse. We married just before his 18th birthday and he moved out for a few weeks. When he came back I said we had to talk. So we did, and at one point, he blurted,

“You didn’t have to leave me too!” My hunch was right. He was hurt and didn’t want to forgive.

Again, I admitted guilt, and asked for forgiveness, but he declined.

I thought I could love him out of it. But confidence and affection are not my strong suite. And after graduating, he moved out and was gone for several years.

He moved home for a short while. It was better between us, but still painful for me. His sisters loved having him home again. Then he got married. They’ve moved back in for short periods. I love his wife.

We’ve done ok.  I know he loves me. I know he appreciates how his kids love me. But his birthday always makes me sad–the closeness we could have had blocked by unforgiveness.

We got snippets of what it could have been now and again; I would schedule my flights home from NC for early in the morning so he could drop me off at the airport on his way to work. Some of our best connections and conversations were that half hour every few months over a two-year period. And then they moved within a few hours driving distance of us, and those times vanished.

I still miss you, Nik, 30 years later. I still miss our relationship. I am grateful you don’t talk bad about me, and that you have always treated me with respect. I am grateful for your help whenever I ask. I just miss you.

And I think about how you will feel when I die. Probably because when my mother died I was close to her, but not really, arms-length-close was all I could do. And it killed me when she died. Thank God I allowed myself to cry and talk about it.

Will you have regret?  Will you feel the waste then?  Will you be able to talk and to cry?

I hope so.  It makes it easier, and I’m pretty sure you haven’t grieved your first mother. You’ll have a backlog. Please allow yourself to feel…at least then.

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A Perspective on Unforgiveness

 

Today is my son’s birthday.  He’s 42 now and he was 12 when I met him. Thirty wasted years.  Early in the relationship with his dad (maybe 6 months) we broke up, and I didn’t even think about staying in touch with his kids (13 and 5).  Dating with kids was a fairly new thing for me.  I had a daughter, but I had only dated guys with no kids or older kids.  I thought it was all a package.  All or nothing.

Richard and I got back together and eventually married, but his son never got over it.  It  took us awhile to figure out why he had gone from being my greatest fan to being extremely angry with me.  Nik felt like I had abandoned him.  I tried to explain, I took the responsibility, I apologized again and again.  Nothing mattered.

My sweet, happy “son” who used to bring me flowers, and play card games with me until midnight, who loved to walk with me and talk, suddenly was done with me. I was sure that over time he would come around, but it only seemed to get worse. We married just before his 18th birthday and he moved out for a few weeks. When he came back I said we had to talk. So we did, and at one point, he blurted,

“You didn’t have to leave me too!”

Again, I admitted guilt, and asked forgiveness, but he declined.  I thought I could love him out of it.  But confidence and affection are not my strong suite. After graduating he moved out and was gone for several years.

He moved home for a short while. It was better between us, but still painful for me.  His sisters loved having him home again.  Then he got married.  They’ve moved back in for short periods.  I love his wife.

We’ve done ok.  I know he loves me.  I know he appreciates how his kids love me.  But his birthday always makes me sad. The closeness we could have had blocked by unforgiveness. We got snippets of it now and again; I would schedule my flights home from NC for early in the morning so he could drop me off at the airport on  his way to work. Some of our best connections and conversations were that half hour every few months over a two-year period.  And then they moved within a few hours driving distance of us.

I still miss you, Nik, 30 years later.  I still miss our relationship.  I am grateful you don’t talk bad about me, and that you have always treated me with respect. I am grateful for your help whenever I ask.  I just miss you.

And I think about how you will feel when I die.  Probably because my mother just died. I was close to her, but not really, arms-length close was all I could do. And it killed me when she died. Thank God I allowed myself to cry and talk about it.  Will you have regret?  Will you feel the waste then?  Will you be able to talk and to cry? I hope so.  It makes it easier, and I’m pretty sure you didn’t do it over your first mother.  You’ll have a backlog.  Please allow yourself to feel…at least then.

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