Making God Real

I thought I might skip the confirmation of last week’s blog. It makes me feel so vulnerable, but I know vulnerability is a precious quality, and one I need. So at the risk of sounding crazy I’m sharing my journey–the experiment in making God real. Mother’s Day was a fabulous day.

I spent the day with Ruach (my name for the Holy Spirit if you are new to me). It may have been the best Mother’s Day ever–certainly the most different MD I’ve ever had. My husband and I were in an unresolved fight and so not speaking–so I am being quite literal! I had several MD wishes first thing in the morning and after that it was just Ruach and I.

It was a perfectly gorgeous day and I put on an experimental outfit of something comfortable and gauzey I wanted to wear because it was pretty. I took my laptop and water to the gazebo, one of my favorite hang-outs. On Sunday morning I usually post my blog going through Jesus’ life in a year,* but I hadn’t gotten it done with all the texts.

I was making the conscious effort of talking to God to be aware of His presence. So I would talk a little and read and post, and then we would go out and work in the yard for a bit together. There was no pressure, no plan other than posting the blogs (which usually takes a half hour to an hour.) It was so relaxed and leisurely, so fun because there was no self-pity, no regret, no loneliness, only the consciousness of His presence. He is  so sweet. I always say “No one can love you like Jesus” (or Ruach–They love with the same sweetness) and it is true!

We talked about everything, and joked and laughed and high-fived! He is so funny. At the first high five, He said, “I’m sure that surprised any of the dark side sent to watch! That made them run!” and laughed.

I responded, “They probably didn’t believe it!” I could hardly, but it just naturally happened. I was pulling tall grass behind the flowers and some of it I couldn’t reach. He said “Try again,” so I did, and for some reason I could that time! My arms hadn’t grown, nothing had changed except I reached it. I laughed and high-fived Him and then laughed at that!  And I said, “If anyone was watching they would think I am crazy.” That’s when he said the dark side ran away. That happened again and again.

Then we went back and I posted another blog and then we went out again. While we worked we talked about the story I’m writing now (David) and things I hadn’t thought of.  Then we would go back in the gazebo and post another blog and have some water and hang out. Then back out.

I remembered how my mother often told me stories of how sweet He was to her. She lived alone for years out in the country in Minnesota. She would need to do something she couldn’t do by herself and then she would ask for help, and He would give her an idea to use something for leverage and it would work. So of course I shared that she had told me. I could feel His smile–could almost see it in my mind, and His nod, and He would say, “I loved her too.”

It took all day to post a week of blogs–that was a first–and was an incredible day of warmth and sweet feelings and conversation and joy.  Just as Psalm 16:11 says, “In Your presence is fullness of joy…” At 6:10 my computer alerted me that the battery was low, I was amazed the day was over already, and a little sad as I went to the house. But He said, “I’m not going anywhere,”  and then I smiled and was grateful for the day. It was my unforgettable Mother’s Day.

*(http://Godhelps.net/God-in-a-Box)

Tension Between Old and New/Honor and Dishonor

The tension that comes from unlearning old programming and relearning new patterns can be tricky. Today I was faced with just such a dilemma, who do I honor most? and how do I know which decision is best?

I had been honored. I had reached out to Rob for help with my books a year ago, and he honored me by giving me a ticket to their annual author summit. I was very grateful, but I knew it was partly pitching their promotion program which was way out of my ballpark financially. So when the offer came, I was tempted, but tried to graciously decline by saying they should give the space to someone who could afford their package, because I knew that was the purpose.

Rebecca more graciously said, “No, no, that’s fine. There is a lot you will get from being here; come, we have room.”

Well, I didn’t want to be ungrateful; I really wanted to honor their kindness, but my husband didn’t want me to go. I told him I felt gratitude was in order, and he didn’t agree, but didn’t oppose me. The next day we had a fight, and when I tried to make up, he wasn’t ready. That made it much easier to go to the summit on Friday. And I really enjoyed the first day.

However, Rob shared that the second day a friend of his was coming who was in the movie industry to share the process of getting your book made into a movie. I had planned to skip the second day–figuring they would leave the financial possibilities for the second day and I didn’t really care about that, but now I really wanted to come.  That is my dream–to have my book series made into movies, but I told him thank you and that I wouldn’t be coming tomorrow. I felt ungrateful and unworthy.

The second day of the summit was my sacred space, or Sabbath, which I really guard from intrusion, and typically don’t do ordinary (or marketing) kinds of things. Also, I co-lead a class on my books and my co-leader had asked me to trade weeks with her because she had to help her brother.

I agreed, thinking it was God’s nudge to honor my commitment to Him and His space. But then I begin to wonder. And of course my feelings were pulling me back to the summit.

This  morning I talked to God about it, curled up in His lap. He took me back to Jesus’ Sabbath observance, which was pretty standard except for healing. Can you believe they believed that was breaking the Sabbath! All of a sudden I saw that I could go, and without fear, throw myself into participating and do what He and I had been talking about the day before: putting my light on the stand. (Mark 4) I’d been holding back sharing because of the nature of my series–rewriting the Bible. We had talked about that too! (And had done some healing.)

Suddenly I felt a-tingle with excitement. I could go or stay, either way, and be serenely happy knowing He was leading. Two things had to happen; both were possible, though not probable. I thought of a replacement, but she was sick. My husband could have gone with me, but didn’t want to!

But the best part was, I was happy, and everyone saw it! I even had a new dress which I got many compliments on, but it was, in reality, probably my attitude. The book study was great and I was glad I got to teach the chapter on Cain and Abel.

You can’t go wrong with surrender because God is so good and loves you so sweetly and crazily. And even though I felt like I was dishonoring their kindness and generosity to me, it’s better to honor God first, and he will take care of the rest. (Hacksaw Ridge-need I say more?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Making God Real

I had a client a while back who used to say “I can’t make Him real” every time we talked about God and having a relationship with Him.

I would always answer, “you don’t need to. He is real.”

After some time I got exasperated with her insistence, but I discovered that it was stuck in me. How was I making God real? I prayed to Abba, I read and wrote about Jesus, I talked to Ruach (Holy Spirit), and thanked Him for His presence, but was I making them real? Did I perceive Them as real persons present in my life? Did I really talk to Them or just make demands? Did I listen to Them and take it seriously?

I’m having a retreat at my house this weekend. Last night we sat around a fire sharing miracles. It came to the everyday miracles as the most important. We often can’t tell what God is doing on a grander scale as in someone’s healing and God’s plans to use that or death. But we can see the little things–like my calm and patience taking care of my husband while getting ready for a retreat…God helping me see all the good in that. Or the lack of fear when he fell on Friday and panicked, and I was perfectly calm and unafraid.

I couldn’t figure out why I felt so negative going into the retreat and it really bothered me, until I realized that it was that inflammatory cascade again! I was mad I had missed the special prayer over our associate pastor who is fighting stage four cancer at church (I stayed home with my husband). I heard it was beautiful and powerful. And that allowed my fatigue, irritation with people not showing up,  sleeping through my time with God that morning, and my hurt and confusion over unanswered prayer for friends, and it all started the negativity flowing. So afterwards I was repentant and in total self-disdain.

This morning after five solid hours, He woke me and I felt rested and glad to get up for some extra time with Him. And He showed me that it really is all about trusting His eternal holy love in wild and passionate caring for me. I had a lie stuck in me–a leftover from an unanswered prayer that I didn’t understand until ten years later– What if He doesn’t… This version was What if He doesn’t show up?

That’s crazy because He had planned it, giving me the format and the questions. But what if people didn’t respond? I wanted Him to do something huge. (And of course it’s all about me–even my irritation that the pastor couldn’t come. I said How can you have a leadership retreat without the leader? And He said, “Uh, who is the leader?” Right! Got it! So it’s my not feeling valued!) So, good as He is, He told me the truth and healed it for asking.

Besides that, They outdid Themselves and gave us the perfect day: sunny, blue-skies, and 72 degrees! It was an outdoor event. And we had a Mockingbird, Mourning Dove and others serenading. I love mornings–love having company in the morning. Add some of my favorite people and I was ecstatic!

They even did more! I was hoping for something huge and the associate pastor who was prayed for yesterday, came and stayed four hours! She was able to do my stairs to the gazebo, and eat and keep it down! Evidence of healing.

Then, if that wasn’t enough, he brought the pastor and his wife to share a miracle they had just experienced that confirmed what God was telling us! Wow we were so blessed! All of us!

But I was especially! I felt especially loved!