You Aren’t That Important

(Started writing this over a week ago.)

Yes, I’ve been stalling giving you an update by posting about my writing. But I do have thoughts and feelings, just don’t know if I can make a coherent flow. Everything seems to be intensifying. I just learned last night that my grand daughter is being dedicated and I won’t be there. And I was supposed to buy her dress for the occasion. Of course I felt you aren’t that important. I couldn’t even respond to it.

My husband is unflinching in his intention to get divorced, and yet when I suggested we separate finances, yesterday, to keep things civil, he acted like it was an affront to him and said he might as well get divorced. “I said isn’t that where we are headed? You are the one who wants it. I’ve tried to talk about it.”

I told him I couldn’t believe how he could be so into me before I left (he had done a lot of little things to please me while I was gone) and when we came home he wants a divorce because of something someone said to him. Someone he doesn’t even know all that well. How does one switch off 34 years that easily? I don’t get it. He didn’t even respond. I’m feeling insecure.

Everywhere I turn my focus from God, I’m feeling not that important. I am so thankful that God’s love is constant, that They are unchanging, that Their goodness can be counted on. I read John 1 this morning. I only got half way through it because it was so filling, so rich. I am so blessed! And yesterday was a beautiful day to work outside and just be in Ruach’s presence! If you don’t have that relationship, ask for it. You may need it down the road!

So here it is a week later, today is my husband’s birthday. Nothing has really changed. But normally this would be driving me crazy, and it’s not! I know God loves me, and I believe Richard loves me, he just doesn’t know it now. Maybe he does. He has looked liked he wanted to say something a couple of times but hasn’t. Anyway, I have a plan to celebrate his birthday in a low-key, Richard way. But if he doesn’t want it, I will roll with it and not allow hurt to take me to a negative place.

I did talk to my daughter to find out if she thought I was rude and ungrateful and she confirmed that she did not. I had said thank you to her many times. Whew! That helped. She knows I’m not good at fluff. She had also helped me see I was not good at letting my husband lead.

I was surprised to read in my journal for this time last year that I prayed to let him lead. I thought that was new. Nope, I just lost it. Here we go, another lap around this track. Make me teachable, Lord.

He did let me take him out for breakfast to a place he likes, but after that just wanted to relax at home. It certainly took pressure off of me. I went shopping for a couple hours–a rarity. And then made some healthy treats he would like. It was a good day. But that night he had a headache in the back of his head and didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 2:30, and suddenly felt terrified about a stroke– losing him and our marriage. Fear in the middle of the night will do that.

I got up and asked God if it was from Him, and He said They don’t give fear, but They are not opposed to using the enemies moves when it helps. I went back to bed and snuggled up to him. He was asleep and I fell asleep. It must have surprised him when he woke,  but he didn’t say anything.

I woke up more normal, but I haven’t gotten a clear go-ahead yet to say “I started this nonsense can I stop it?” I know the time has to be right for him.

He thinks his neck is a spasm in the muscle, but he has declined help with it. And yes, I have offered. I’ve learned that’s my love language. I’ll let you know what happens.

 

Happy Beginnings

Yes! I showed it to myself again! Waiting on God does work. It isn’t easy, but it does work! And I am so grateful that They didn’t make me wait more than a month.

Yesterday morning my husband said, “What do you want me to do?”

I didn’t know if he was talking about us, but I was so primed, it just jumped out, “I want you to make a commitment to me to love me.”

I don’t remember all the words that came out after that. But I do remember getting to the same place, he couldn’t see a future for us.

So I asked, “You’re still stuck there? What kind of a future do you think you’d have without me?” And I was surprised at his answer–he hadn’t thought that far. That’s unusual because people mostly jump there when leaving or being left. So we left it again for awhile–hopefully with him thinking.

We had started a house project together–guaranteed to bring up our issues because we are so different, and it did. By afternoon we were in a fight. But it turned out good because everything came pouring out. And we started talking again. Our New Years Eve plans had canceled so we just sat and talked for two hours. Mostly what we didn’t like–but then suddenly, he asked what three things I needed or wanted to be different. (He was an excellent addictions counselor.)

Praying and thinking quickly I told him, and after finally agreeing on three, I asked him what three things he wanted. By the end of that we were agreed to be together again, and had a pretty good idea of what we each needed and what would work.

Oh and by the way I got another lie healed this week, “He’s incapable of a relationship,” had been there a long time–think it started with my father and certainly applied to my ex when he left. And he found one “She’s incapable of loving” that needs healing! Gotta go, he’s waiting for me now.

Waiting on God–A God Perspective on Shortcuts

Someone told me about a book last week, God is Never on Time. It’s a great title, a great hook, because we all have felt it.  But after a long conversation with God this morning, I don’t think it’s true. He just has a different perspective. The conversation was the debriefing on yesterday’s anger that really disappointed me. (Disappointed I could still go there, feel that, in a split second.)

I had asked my husband to clean up the flower petals with his shop vacuum because I was running out of time and energy. He agreed, and when I came back, had sprayed them off with water. I was angry because those petals are something I deal with daily. This time of year they are dropping continually and the breeze blows them across the patio. I know that the quick-fix of water just leaves more to come back tomorrow. And tomorrow we are having company (people we barely know). We could have a veritable drift of petals when we get home with guests.

I handled it better than I used to so we bounced through it, but my inner reaction disturbed me. So God used it to teach me why He sometimes takes the long, slow way and we don’t understand. It is now a parable I will remember every time I sweep up petals. He said,

“I want you to ‘get’ that sometimes My way seems long and crazy to you (this is for your daughter too {who is building a relationship the long Spirit-led way which sometimes makes her feel crazy}) but there are reasons you haven’t considered for not taking the quick way–and you can trust that My “crazy” way is better. You must trust that I know what I’m doing and I do have tomorrow’s wind in mind. I know the best way to clean up a mess or bring something about. You can trust Me. I am trustworthy. That’s why Revelation is full of ‘He is worthy.’ I have shown my fidelity by taking the long, hard, ‘crazy’ way for 33 years in your world.”

I replied, “Thank you for explaining it with something I deal with daily.”

He responded, “You are so welcome. Thank you for listening.” 

For those of you who need scriptural support, Jeremiah 29:11-13 is key.