One of Those Dumb Fights

We were doing so well! We have been enjoying each other and the time we spend together. And then suddenly in 3 minutes time it all went south. Now we’ve had 24 hours of alienation. How can such stupid fights do that? It was just emotions and timing–really, that’s all.

We had worked well together all day, in and out of each other’s presence. I wasn’t pushing to get things done. There was a lot to do after the intense heat for a week, but I took my time and played a lot as I was working outside. I was not that tired.

I was finished on the outside, and came up the stairs from the lower garden. I had my hands full–in one of them was a large dustpan full of dirt and petals and dead leaves. I caught my toe on a step and down I went on the brick steps, the dirt in the dustpan going all over me and the steps I had just swept–not all of them–thank goodness–only four. I tore the nail on the big toe, skinned my shin and bruised my hip that I landed on. But I got up and swept it up, “Walk it out” playing in my head. Then headed straight to the shower. My husband was in the house talking on the phone–didn’t even know what had happened.

When I told him, he was concerned, and told me to sit down and let him fix the cantaloupe. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel too bad. Had washed off the blood, done hot and cold rotations and used my essential oils.

But then he said, “I told you not to work so hard, you were too tired.”

My response was wrong but honest, “I don’t need to be shamed. I need some compassion.”

He left. And I didn’t know he was angry till I saw him sitting outside and I went out and sat beside him. He didn’t talk to me. So I asked if he was angry and he called me a name and said that I tell him not to overdo it all the time.

He was right and I knew it, and it didn’t even hurt my feelings. I said, “Thanks for telling me.”

We went to bed silently. I slept immediately and woke up an hour later when he turned off the light, went back to sleep, but an hour later was awake for hours. So I woke up late the next morning, after four hours of sleep, tired, sore and slightly disoriented. I didn’t know where he was emotionally so I didn’t go back to bed at 7 like I usually do. (I was enjoying early morning on the patio with Jesus.)

If I had, we may have bounced through it because when I first woke he asked how I felt. But, of course, I didn’t think of that then.

Soon he got up, and I asked if we were going to read together (The best thing we have done for our relationship.) He said he didn’t have time–a joke–it was Saturday morning.

When I tried to fix it later, he was too far into resentment and attached something else he wasn’t happy about.

I knew then that it was going to be a day or two. Blew that! I thought. A beautiful morning, and probably the whole weekend, had just been wrecked. And I went back to bed alone. I didn’t sleep, but I definitely felt better both physically and emotionally afterwards.

I realized that the best thing about my relationship with Jesus is that these things never happen! He is always there. He always loves me, no matter how I mess up, what dumb things I do or say. And if distance comes in all I have to do is run back. I never have to worry about if he’ll be upset or take me back. He is always ready and happy to restore the relationship–no hurt feelings get in the way. And my explanations He already knows and understands.

He just loves me so amazingly! That carries its own conviction to look at my stuff. Love is very convicting, you know?

When God doesn’t make Sense

Once again, why is it bad things happen to good people?

Because suffering shows what we are really like–what we are made of–our characters. And character is simply the accumulation of many choices. How will I look at this situation? What perception will I choose?

And as previously mentioned, I believe, based on several instances in scripture, that Satan asks to test each of us. He knows where we are weak, our Achilles’ heal, our tragic flaw; and that is what he excoriates. He attacks us because we want to be with God, because we are His followers, and want to become authentic lovers. He wants to expose us as posers, phonies, pretenders. So I have imagined several of these counsels in heaven where he gets permission to test based on some “truth” he is presenting about us that makes us unfit to be used, unsafe to have around for eternity.

It’s been interesting and engaging, but if I thought Leviticus was difficult, it was easy compared to Numbers.

I understand there are rules of engagement in every war–the agreements to boundaries that are supposed to be adhered to, i.e. no attacks on civilians. What makes it difficult is that God takes responsibility for everything They allow, as well as what They decide and execute. So some of what looks like it’s coming from God isn’t Their ideas or actions; it’s just allowed. Sometimes it’s pretty clear. Other times, not. For instance, why 40 years in the wilderness?

I admit. I’m stumped. Ordinarily, I would say this is Satan’s engineering. And it could be, but it seems to be a theme that becomes the day for a year theory in prophecy after that. Would God go by something Satan demanded once? It seems unlikely. But as of yet, it doesn’t seem to make sense to me; and if you know me, God has to make sense: that is one of my tenants: Everything God does makes sense if you know Them and understand the big picture. That represents the revealed things, the actions in our world, the things we can understand–not the mystery that is beyond us. I’m good with that, but not good with being too lazy to try to understand.

But based on the first 5 episodes, even God’s strange acts make sense, if you think cosmically. That may not be a word yet, but I’m referring to thinking from a cosmic perspective. Knowing Him (Them) and knowing the people, I can’t figure out even from the big-picture, universal-war perspective,  why He would give them, in this situation, a year for a day. It doesn’t make any sense yet. So back to more time with God. I’ve been to this place several times, and He has always shown me something I’ve overlooked or didn’t understand. I’m sure Ruach will do it again!

Men, Add Some Joy to Your Most Significant Relationship!

The following fits so well with what I’ve been talking about lately, I just had to share it. It’s a guest post from therapist Peter Pearson.

 I was talking with a couple the other day and they told me about an experiment they were trying.

It was so brilliant I wanted to pass it on as another tip.

Here’s what the man had said to his wife:

“I will give you twenty minutes a day. You have my complete attention to direct me any way you wish. I will do chores, parenting responsibilities, discuss a topic of your choice, hold down the fort while you do something that feels refreshing and nurturing for yourself, or even gaze into your eyes if you wish.”

Think about it. A twenty-minute gift to his wife every day.

Her immediate response? “Wow,! I can’t believe it! This is too good to be true. He is such a workaholic. And now he is going to do this – for me?”

After going through this new routine for a couple of days, she thought “I want to give him back something for his generosity.”

Their process of mutually giving and receiving increased.

 On his part it was a leap of faith. Yes, he had the thought, “What the heck am I getting into? What am I setting myself up for? Will this make me her slave… will she lose respect for me?”

 It was an emotional risk. It would take effort.

 But it turned out to have big unexpected rewards.

 Are you willing to donate twenty minutes a day for your marital or relationship makeover? What if you start with this generous offer today?

 You are giving a gift to the most important adult in your life. Is enhancing this key relationship worth twenty minutes?

 The power of twenty minutes is exceptional. You now have it in your hands. There will be unexpected rewards but please don’t try to predict them.

 Just be open to a new experience.

Are You a human doing?

Does your life get dry from stress and focusing on everything you have to get done, or things that could go wrong?

That’s because you aren’t a machine. You weren’t meant to be a human doing, but a human being. Relationships are more important than anything you do.

But we are so busy! Or so scared!

Twice this weekend we were privileged to have over friends whose conversation was easily and naturally sprinkled with spirituality.

Afterwards, my husband and I remarked how pleasant it was to have conversations laced with God. The secular so easily takes over the spiritual in life, and it was refreshing to have it so easily incorporated with no effort.

Maybe I noticed because I had just spent a week with my daughter and felt that camaraderie. Or maybe because I had just watched Rob Bell’s “Everything is Spiritual” again with my eight-year-old grandson (his idea). I think it is so sweet that he loves it and watches it over and over–there is a lot I barely comprehend!

If you haven’t seen it, it is well worth the hour, very entertaining, and definitely demonstrates how we are more than human doings. It’s something I have been saying for years. But he says it so well with such detail.

Relationships are my work, and I don’t think they are easy for any of us. They certainly aren’t for me. And I know more about them than most people.

I think when you find people that you really feel safe with, (the definition of intimacy) it is special. People that allow you to just be yourself without evaluation or judgment. Of course it helps if you share the same value system, but you can’t always count on that to make you safe.

And then of course the question comes: Am I that kind of person? Do I make people feel safe? Am I more concerned about how I look or enjoying them?

Understanding people helps provide acceptance. But that takes time.

Are you setting up life to be fulfilling? Or are you hiding behind a mask, letting life dictate to you?

Perspective!

I woke up knowing that I had been clenching my teeth again. (I used to clench so badly I made cracks in them and would wake up with headaches.) At least this morning, no headache.

Last night I read my daughter’s blog and read what pain she had been through yesterday.* I had even talked to her afterward and she hadn’t shared it.  I felt sad for her and unneeded. Her friend had walked her through her visit to social services and the stigma and emotions that go along with that ride. (I remember asking for help. I went there once after my divorce, encouraged by a friend, and was denied!)

We have been so close for the last ten years, especially the last six when she moved across the continent. Bless free technology!

Now she has a close friend who herself went through the trauma of divorce a year and a half earlier.

I’m glad she has a close friend who understands.

Ah yes, perspective!

I’m even more glad that she has a close relationship with God.

I knew that at some point she would have to make closer friends than me. I won’t always be here.

I know that, and yet, I was so enjoying our friendship. I had finally gotten past the parenting role where friendship is sketchy at best.

I don’t do friends easily–trust issues from childhood–and was so enjoying the full range of comfort in a real, true friendship. And I feel like I just lost my best friend.

Did I risk too much? Did I go back into parenting too far by saying what I knew to be true? I know she didn’t want to hear it. But I wasn’t judgmental.

One of the first things she said after deciding to separate was, “I’m so glad you’ve been over this road.”

I was too, for her sake, I could be there for her, help balance the highs and lows. Now she doesn’t need me.

So that’s the feeling. Maybe I need to do what good old Bowen (Family Systems Theory) said about distancers and pursuers, and just step back.

That is what I’ve been doing for a week, since I was there and she didn’t seem to want to spend time with me.

I’ve wanted to call at different times just to see how she is, and I have resisted. She did call.

Another time when it got awkward on the phone we hung up and afterwards I thought, I should have done what she has in the past, and say, “Ok, what? I just heard your tone change. What’s going on?” She wouldn’t let me hide!

Why is it that parenting gets harder in some ways when you think it should get easier?

Maybe love never gets easy. It always stretches you. Always demands you look at yourself and your part. Feels the pain of the beloved. Requires strength for truth and honesty.

Can we ever get comfortable?

Only with God, I guess. Yeah? Relationship with Him isn’t even easy! But it’s good!

And as He has been telling me a lot in the last two weeks, “I will always be here. I will never leave. I will always love you. You are her mother. She’ll be back.”

Thanks, Daddy. Thank you for this love, for making me capable of it, even when it hurts. Thanks that some day it won’t involve pain and suffering to love.

*http://lovelycrmumbs.com