Happy Beginnings

Yes! I showed it to myself again! Waiting on God does work. It isn’t easy, but it does work! And I am so grateful that They didn’t make me wait more than a month.

Yesterday morning my husband said, “What do you want me to do?”

I didn’t know if he was talking about us, but I was so primed, it just jumped out, “I want you to make a commitment to me to love me.”

I don’t remember all the words that came out after that. But I do remember getting to the same place, he couldn’t see a future for us.

So I asked, “You’re still stuck there? What kind of a future do you think you’d have without me?” And I was surprised at his answer–he hadn’t thought that far. That’s unusual because people mostly jump there when leaving or being left. So we left it again for awhile–hopefully with him thinking.

We had started a house project together–guaranteed to bring up our issues because we are so different, and it did. By afternoon we were in a fight. But it turned out good because everything came pouring out. And we started talking again. Our New Years Eve plans had canceled so we just sat and talked for two hours. Mostly what we didn’t like–but then suddenly, he asked what three things I needed or wanted to be different. (He was an excellent addictions counselor.)

Praying and thinking quickly I told him, and after finally agreeing on three, I asked him what three things he wanted. By the end of that we were agreed to be together again, and had a pretty good idea of what we each needed and what would work.

Oh and by the way I got another lie healed this week, “He’s incapable of a relationship,” had been there a long time–think it started with my father and certainly applied to my ex when he left. And he found one “She’s incapable of loving” that needs healing! Gotta go, he’s waiting for me now.

When Feelings Rule

Somewhere I learned that emotions are the strongest force in a person. When you’re “in a corner” or “under the “gun” feelings rule. You will go with what gets triggered in your feelings library every time. Stress does that.

Sad but true. I’m there. I don’t want to be there, but I am. Two hours ago I was looking forward to a lovely quiet evening with my husband, and now I’d rather write than be with him.

My husband doesn’t like pain of any kind. And for the past two weeks he has been in physical pain with a knee injury, unable to walk. So I’ve been trying to take care of him and do both of our chores too.

Most of us get cranky when we are stretched emotionally by physical pain. I do and he does to. Today he was doing very well, and we were both very happy with his progress, but I made the mistake of challenging his decision to cancel two of our grand kids coming for a week. And now I’m dealing with triggered stored emotion and blew our lovely quiet evening together.

Isn’t it weird how that happens! I don’t even remember what he said, but I am still in the feelings it brought up in me. Definitely hating the way I am, wondering how many other people hate it, and what am I going to do to change it? Or should I just sink back into a twisted acceptance, put it all on him as “his issues” wherever I can hang it?

Just now he called from the other room asking if I would make him a piece of toast. He is probably wondering why I’m not there with him. I wanted to say no, but I didn’t. Because I don’t think he was trying to be mean. He is obviously fine.

What do I do with this “gall” stuck in my throat? I ask myself.

And I decide to put it on the shelf till morning. So I distil the feeling into his point and make a mental note to ask God what to do about this “I-know-best” attitude. I know it’s there, I know where it came from. I’ve dealt with it before. This is just a variation on a familiar theme.

So I said to God when we met this morning, “What am I going to do about this? You know how I dislike it in others; and I hate it in myself!” Then my mind took off and went all through everyone else I needed to pray for. (I think that happens because we don’t really want to face… or are afraid He won’t say anything. But He is faithful if we are willing.)

And finally I focused and He said, “Can you say to your husband, ‘You know I hate it. Will you point it out to me when you hear it? You can say “there it is”.’ And I said, “Yes, I can do that.”

Then God went on, “Can you trust Me with it too? That I will help you see it when it comes up? Before you get there I will say ‘Be careful here.’ Like last night. You knew afterwards you could have said it differently. Richard noted a ‘harshness’ that sometimes you see later.”

So I said, “I will.” And I asked Him to bring up any lie underneath so we could heal it. And I already have a feeling it has to do with fear of something–from when my older brother used to laugh at things I said. More will be revealed. God is faithful.

Only a Big Man can Admit He’s Been Wrong

I have to give kudos to my new son-in-law. I am so proud of him for being open to Spirit and being teachable. He has been drinking green juice that I would have a hard time drinking and I’ve been at this health thing almost 40 years. A few months ago all he liked was meat, white pasta and white breads, and that’s pretty much all he ate, besides desserts. But his pastor went on a Daniel Fast (Daniel 1 and 9) and he was impressed to do the same.

My daughter was astonished–what would he eat? But he was resolute. She is amazing with food–like a magician almost; and she was so grateful that she decided to make it as easy on him as she could. He ate things he had no idea he was eating. They did it for 60 days, and she said he began to look different after even one week.

We visited not long after their fast was over, and I asked him if he had felt a difference?

“Oh yeah!” was his immediate response.

I resisted any desire to comment further. That was enough. 🙂 I was so proud of him for even that. Because he had always given me such a hard time about being vegan. He had called me “the veggie prophet,” which I assumed meant I was calling for eating vegetables? (I had never asked for explanation.)

But I was thrilled that three little boys heard it–we were all sitting at the dinner table, and they don’t miss a thing–especially when he speaks. They had heard the teasing, so I was glad they could hear the admission.

It takes a big man to admit he’s been wrong. He is a big man, but he just grew in my eyes, and I think in the eyes of three little men.

This morning Richard and I read Psalm 23-25, and in  25:9 was, “The meek (teachable) will He guide in judgment (discernment), and the meek will He teach His way.” God’s ways make us happy (and healthy). And He is happy to teach us because when you feel better, life looks better, it improves your perspective by 100%. Verse 12 is a companion saying, “What man fears (reverences) the Lord? him shall He teach in the way that He shall choose.” The way of God’s choosing or ours? It is also translated “He shall teach him in the way he should choose.” (guidance) The NIV says, “…in the way chosen for him.”

I couldn’t find a translation to support this but I think it is true, that even in the way of our own choosing God will teach us if we reverence Him and realize that He knows better than we do–and really that is what being teachable is. Who doesn’t believe that the Creator of a universe 15 billion light years across might know more than me? That isn’t really the issue, is it? It’s whether I believe God created me, loves me personally, has my best interests at heart. Does He care? Can I know Him? Can I trust Him?

This makes a dilemma for Memorial Day. It’s a day to be grateful for so many men who died and underwent horrible trauma for our freedom.

I hate war.  I have seven grandsons. Need I say more? But we live with it, and it scares me to think what they might have to go through. So I ask God to make them strong men who always have a relationship with Him and a heart to listen to Him. Men who can admit when they are wrong, men who will ask for guidance, men He can teach His ways.

Have to add this–the message in church was from Leviticus 25–God’s ways bring rest and space and trust and plenty into our lives. We need that rest–Shabbat rest–even the land rested. You can rest because you trust. You can trust because you know Him.